9 Crazy Things We Do to Boobs

Dec 29

Why are people, especially men, so obsessed with breasts? For women, all they do is worry about their boobs looking perfect – another mystery of life. According to Psychology Today, a study at UCLA and Cal State Los Angeles, which surveyed over 52,000 heterosexual adults between the ages of 18 and 65, found that 70 percent of women were dissatisfied with their breasts.

Younger women who were thinnerYounger women who were thinner were concerned with smaller breast size, while older women who were a bit heavier worried about saggy breasts. The top cosmetic surgery in the United States today is breast surgery, which includes a whopping 100,000 breast reductions and 300,000 breast augmentations each year. Here are some of the wackiest, craziest things we do to our boobs, starting with the oldest:

1. Boobs or Play Dough?

As if the everyday brassiere wasn’t uncomfortable enough, a man named Nicolas Becker decided he would take that discomfort up a notch – or five, by inventing his “Breast Molding Armor.”

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We’ve got to give the guy a break since this patent was in its application phase way back in 1936 – More than 78 years ago.

This frightening contraption encased the breasts in a metal halter top attached to a sharp waistband. The sharp edges of this armor curved under the breast, cutting into the skin, as long as the rubberized shell didn’t give you a skin rash first.

The patent application includes a disturbing description: “One object of the invention is to produce the illusion, as much from a visual as from a tactual point of view, that a woman is endowed with breasts of a perfect purity of line.”

2. Breast Blender

serial killerThe picture included with the patent for the “Rotary Douche, back in 1972, looks like something out of a serial killer “B” movie minus the machete.

No woman in her right mind would put her tender flesh into this metal cone of mayhem. The device includes an electromagnetic stator that has a sealing edge, which encases the poor booby while strand-like fingers rotate and shoot water from all sides. Imagine the attack on the tissues of the breast. Ouch.

The majority of the patent, which includes hundreds of words, describes how to clean the device after usage, never mind what happens to the boob after a severe beating. As a matter of fact, the author uses the word, “breast,” only three times in the entire manuscript. C’mon, breasts have feelings, too.

3. Blow Them Up

balloonsBreasts are not balloons. We all know that, right? Wrong. According to a patent applied for in 2005, you can make your tits bigger by inflating them with air, sort of.

Okay, so he was talking about inflatable breast implants; however, that’s an even scarier concept. Can you imagine allowing your lover to “inflate” you during foreplay?

And what about deflating or worse, springing a leak in one boob? That’s more horrifying than handcuffs without the keys. And what’s worse, he never stipulated what would be forcibly pumped into the breast; solid, gas or liquid, and in what form or amount.

4. Breast Press

This looks like a steampunk brassiere, but this was an actual patent from back in 2007. This circular device looks like a giant contact lens case with covers you slip your hands in.

chest exercisesThe trio of inventors who submitted the patent claimed that, although it is impossible to exercise one’s breasts, by working out the pectoral muscles, a person could enhance the appearance of the breasts.

There is some credence to the fact that stronger pectorals can support the breasts better, making them appear higher and “perkier.” According to By Barbara Russi Sarnataro, a contributing writer for Webmd.com, “Sure, chest exercises help give a man a nice physique, but working out the chest can help women, too, by lifting sagging chests and breasts.”

To use the device, you just lift and close each side of the device, similar to a bench press. Just be careful not to get too close. You could lose a breast rather than enhance it.

5. Booby Pillows

Booby PillowsIn an effort to give new moms a much-needed nap, someone invented and submitted a patent application for this disturbing item in 2008.

The pillow looks like a giant marshmallow puff with eyes. Baby sleeps right in the middle of this nipple forest.

You can also find the booby pillow in a single economy size. It has a built-in holder for liquids, which allows them to leak out from the nipple, not something you want to bring to your next sporting event. If that isn’t mind-boggling enough, take a look at this website, and you’ll be scratching your head in confusion and weirdness.

6. Women Are Not Cows

Patented as the “Breast Developing Jacket,” this 1970 invention couldn’t get any more sexist if it tried, after all, isn’t it every man’s dream to hitch his wife to the kitchen sink?

credit card billsThat’s a sure-fire way to cut the credit card bills by keeping her out of the mall, right? And she doesn’t even get a break, because an outflow valve lets her keep washing dishes as she improves her breasts.

What’s truly amazing is this invention came out just a couple of years following the 1968 Miss America bra-burning incident. Since having small boobs was such a scourge to the inventor, he termed the woman as the “patient” and the sink contraption as her “therapy.” The patient is entrapped in the jacket as it delivers hot water over her breasts, which somehow is supposed to simulate breast growth.

every woman who ever showersIf that was the case, every woman who ever showers or even takes a hot bath would be able to have humongous boobs. Perhaps the bra burning protest got his imagination going, because he invented a breast-restricting bra that is self-extinguishing, just in time for the next bra burning ceremony. By the size of the expansion chambers, he must have had cows, not women, in mind.

7. To Hide or Not to Hide the Nipplage

Here are two products you can use depending on your mood. Feeling daring?

Instead of sticking your boobs in the freezer for outstanding nipples, try applying Bodyperks, the artificial, yet quite perky pair of nipples. You put them right over your own natural nipple, and by the way, they’re one-size-fits-all.

look and feel wonderfully sassyAccording to Bodyperks, these babies will “They make you look and feel wonderfully sassy.”

They come in blush and mocha, so you can match them to your skin color – which is even more confusing, especially when the website reads, “Draw attention to your natural assets.” How natural are two fake plastic nipples under your bra? Not very.

Now let’s face it, nipples are, well, distracting. Ask any one, and they can tell you the eyes go right to those two points of reference. So, it’s no surprise to now that the Invisinips are rushing to the rescue. These flesh-toned disks adhere to the nipple – that’s got to burn like a bandage coming off, but no worries, they are reusable and come in a bright pink bag. And with a slogan like, “Our Nips Are Sealed,” you can’t go wrong. Not.

8. Separate the Masses

newsDid you know that boobs are not supposed to join in unison? After all, they could start a revolution, right? Enter the Kush Support Breast Separator.

Some fans will attest that this phallic device does double duty; however, the main purpose is to prevent wrinkles in between the breasts and on the upper chest from boob compression.

Yep, one boob may crush the other – not sure that’s a story for the evening news, though.

9. Built-In Breast Massage

sound sleepLadies, you have to wear a bra, so why not wear a breast massage bra? The Pangao Breast Enhancer looks much like the waist toning belt we all wore in the 90’s, only it looks like a bra. According to the company, “If use it often, you can have a sound sleep, immunity from disease and better internal secretion.”

Those who don’t want to buy a whole new bra can opt for the bra vibrator by Bravibrator.com. For just $85, you can get “support and breast stimulation.

The Vibrating Bra has several wonderful vibration modes, which massage breasts magnificently.”

youthful shapeIf you want your boobs to keep their youthful shape, be sure to buy a bra that fits you. Go to a shop that will measure you and get you the perfect size.

Go back at least once a year for a refitting, or at least after you’ve had a child, as your size and shape will change. Wear a bra, especially when exercising to reduce the effects of gravity, and make sure to wear clothes that flatter your figure. If you still feel you need help enhancing your breasts, go for a natural supplement like TotalCurve, for example.

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